The Call of Love

As anyone who has been in a relationship of any substantial duration must know there are many milestone moments which can be reached and passed, each in turn creating a stronger bond. The obvious examples come to mind: first kiss, first time being intimate, first time meeting family and friends, etc. There is one crucial milestone that stands above the rest though and yet it is one that is seldom discussed in polite circles.

I am referring to the first time you fart in the presence of your mate or they in front of you. It is a moment during which one partner exposes him or herself even more than at any time in a relationship. At this moment your true inner thoughts and feelings about your mate are subconsciously revealed. The truth that is written on your heart is laid bare for all to see. It is a gaseous litmus test of love.

For those that would recoil in horror, unwilling or unable to overcome a lifetime of societal influence or simply because the love just isn't there, it is the end. It is the end of the shared car ride that is a relationship. The only thing left to do then is to safely steer the car to a stop on the side of the road and figure out the gas money.

Sadly, for both the farter and fartee, it is echoes of Genesis for now they are to know shame. Cruel but such is nature.

But be you lucky enough to have found your soulmate, the Marge to your Homer, or vice versa, or any combination thereof, the sometimes rocky and broken landscape of dating now gives way to the lush, fertile land of 'goin' steady' where new love may be nurtured and given a chance to grow.

To you the sound made as the by-product gasses of digestion passes through the anal sphincter of your amour is a cry of love like no other. It is an audible statement of their love for you or your love for them. It is one mate saying to the other, without words, that the two of you are bound in love on this car journey and they are there to map read all the way. You may not know where you are headed but, by God, you're headed there together.

A special word must be said of the partner who consciously takes the initiative and is the first to let fly, be it a loud, reverberating blast of passion or a mousey little squeak of affection. That person has cast a blind eye to the potential for flatulence-related embarrassment, as it pales in comparison to the power of love and has chosen their moment to profess to their mate their level of love and comfort. Admirable.

However, as with the act of love making, this is an act that, as beautiful and as meaningful as it is, it is best shared only between two lovers. A lady farted on the bus the other day and it almost made me forget about the fellow next to me that smelled like pee.